The Evangelist

SOUTH JEFFCO – For deputies responding to a disturbance at a popular pub and grill, the bad news was that the disturbing party was difficult to subdue. The good news was that most of the subduing took place before they arrived. There he was, lying face down on the floor with two beefy fellows on his back, holding him prone while he thrashed around like a 160-pound northern pike. “Stop fighting,” officers advised. “Stop resisting.” He did, sort of, thrusting his hands stubbornly beneath his chest to prevent the application of handcuffs. When no amount of command or cajoling could induce him to produce them, the officers – with plenty of help from civilian bystanders – were by great effort able to wrench the obstinate fellow’s arms into the clear and clap on the cuffs. Thus restrained, the man grew quiet, both figuratively and literally, refusing to respond to the deputies questions, or even acknowledge their presence. According to the manager, the wrestler strode into the pub and grill the day before and immediately launched into a loud and lengthy dissertation on religion, sex and the weather, and continued holding forth until he was forced by public demand to leave. When he came back that morning and started reprising those themes along identical lines, the manager canceled his engagement on the front end, prompting a violent response that prompted his subsequent mug-to-the-rug attitude. In his own defense, he told deputies he’d been innocently “preaching” to pub and grill patrons when the black-hearted sinners “jumped” him. Moved by a spirit of forgiveness, his reluctant flock refused to press charges and deputies closed the case.

That only works with vampires

CONIFER – ‘Twere the wee hours of the morning when Boyfriend dialed 911 to complain that Girlfriend had assaulted him. Deputies rushed over and asked Boyfriend, who appeared to be at least half in the bag, to detail the nature of his injuries. “She blew smoke in my face,” he declared. Deputies advised Boyfriend that smoke-in-face-blowing might possibly, under very extraordinary circumstances, be construed as harassment, maybe. Actually, Boyfriend backpedaled, he’d been living in Girlfriend’s basement, but she’d grown intolerable and he merely summoned deputies to stand by and ensure his safety while he packed up his stuff and caught a taxicab to freedom. Just to be thorough, officers tried to speak with Girlfriend, who was locked in her bedroom. “I didn’t invite you into my house!” girlfriend yelled through the closed door. “Get out of my house!” Deputies dutifully quitted the residence and waited out front until Boyfriend blew.

Tonight on…

EVERGREEN – …Lifetime: They’ve been living together for four love-packed months. One night they were out on the town when her cell phone “fell out of my back pocket while I was using the toilet.” Discovering the loss only much later during the drive home, she asked to borrow his cell phone for urgent texting purposes. While so engaged, she couldn’t help opening and reading a selection of racy texts he’d recently sent to both his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriend. Furious, she told him they were through, and said she was going to retain possession of his cell phone until he repaid some $4,000 she said she’d spent settling his debts. While he packed, she “went out to the garage for a smoke,” which is when she couldn’t help seeing her laptop sitting next to his laptop on the back seat of his Jeep. Seizing both, she hid his laptop and confronted him with hers. “You didn’t think I’d find this?” she screamed, accusingly. When he grabbed at it, she threw it on the ground “to prevent him from getting it.” Seeing it on the floor, valuable and defenseless, he stomped it into an ultra-thin profile. She called 911 to report the malicious destruction of her property. …

Spike: They’ve been living together for four turbulent months. The night unfolded pretty much as she described, with a couple of significant differences. He never put her laptop in his Jeep, nor set a foot upon it. The damage occurred when she threw her computer at his head and it hit the bed frame, instead.

Court TV: Examining the deceased device, deputies noticed a layer of fine dust on its cover that appeared completely undisturbed except for a single, deep, bed-frame-shaped impact mark. While deputies couldn’t say precisely how things went down, they were pretty sure it didn’t go down the way she said it did. They told her to give him back his cell phone and laptop, and to pursue whatever monies she may be owed in civil court.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.