Speed grump

PINE – The way his neighbors drive on the street has always angered Roscoe. The way Roscoe takes it upon himself to police passersby has always angered his neighbors. On the afternoon of Aug. 2, Roscoe’s neighbor Randy was motoring along when he spied Roscoe up ahead performing traffic enforcement personally. Randy wasn’t inclined to stop, on account of Roscoe had once “threatened to shoot me.” As Randy tried to ease around the arm-waving obstruction, Roscoe repositioned his person directly in front of Randy’s grille. Not about to be penned in by a pedestrian, Randy surged around Roscoe and got a high-velocity “can of bug spray” in his windshield for his trouble. Roscoe assured deputies called to the scene that it was Randy who’d caused the commotion, testimony directly disputed by Randy’s dash cam. Officers cited Roscoe for criminal mischief and harassment.

Wakey-wakey! Big mistakey!

SOUTH JEFFCO – When several neighbors called to complain about a rude rascal quite literally roaring through their neighborhood streets at 3:30 a.m., deputies were dispatched to hush the hullabaloo. They had little trouble pin-pointing the problem because they could hear it from inside their cruisers while still two blocks away. Rascal’s green Toyota Supra sat in a resident’s driveway, its throttle full-open, back-firing constantly, its “altered” muffler booming like a cannonade. Deputies immediately ordered Rascal to belay the barrage, which is when awakened neighbors started turning up the volume, pouring into the street to register their disgruntlement in the loudest possible terms. Officers asked the neighbors to pipe down and step back, then asked Rascal to come forward and speak up. Rascal explained that he’d taken the Supra out for a drive “to show it off to a friend”, and when a homeowner had a hissy fit about the racket, Rascal admitted to “revving it up” just to “(cheese) him off.” He could not, however, explain why he thought 3:30 in the morning was a good time to “show off” his non-standard Supra. Deputies cited Rascal for careless driving and disturbing the peace. 

The loneliest number

KITTREDGE – Samson and Delilah were the very picture of a loving couple until 2021, when they invited Jezebel into their happy ménage and became the very picture of a loving trouple. Not long ago, however, Samson decided to downgrade to couple again, only this time with Jezebel, effectively kicking Delilah off of their amorous Ile d’Amour. Sometime after midnight on July 29, Delilah presented herself at the couple’s cottage “to talk.” About all Jezebel had to say to Delilah was “this is your reality now” and insist that she depart, words that quickly led to action. Jezebel tried to “push (Delilah) out the door.” Delilah “grabbed (Jezebel’s) hair with both fists.” Jezebel “grabbed (Delilah) by the right side of her lower neck.” Cautious by nature, Samson cowered in the bedroom until Jezebel managed to eject Delilah from the premises. After stewing about the encounter for a couple days, Delilah decided to bring charges against Jezebel, assuring officers that she’d remained “calm and collected” throughout, despite enduring rough treatment at Jezebel’s hands. Both Samson and Jezebel said that “jealous rage” would more accurately characterize Delilah’s attitude and demeanor. Whatever the case, deputies deemed Delilah to be the incident’s “proximate cause” and booked her for assault.

The Exterminator

KITTREDGE – Armed and drunk, young Sid Sauer was amusing himself on the evening of Aug. 1 by firing guns into the steep hillside adjacent the tidy neighborhood. “I’m just getting rid of the rodents,” he told objecting neighbors. Not feeling reassured, the neighbors summoned JCSO deputies, who quickly took Sid into custody along with a 9mm Smith & Wesson, a Ruger .357 revolver, two empty magazines and a tidy cache of fresh ammunition. In his own defense, Sid would say only that he wanted a lawyer present during questioning, and that he wanted to get out of the JCSO cruiser long enough to throw up, which deputies allowed, several times. Hopefully feeling better, Sid was taken to Golden to face charges including prohibited use of a weapon, minor in possession of alcohol, and shooting while scheisse-faced.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed, including the writer’s name, which is a pseudonym. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.